The Gap

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In my absence I’ve been trying to maintain my loss but lose no more for that period. I’m not done losing weight. I have a long way to go.

I took a break as I felt at breaking point. It culminated in the 5th death of someone we knew and I kinda spiraled.
I used to think anxiety was for people who couldn’t handle stress. After my husband lost his 2nd coworker and friend in a month (hit by a car) I started imagining every single possibility of what could happen to us all in my family of 4 and I would panic. Out of the 5 deaths, one was in a car crash, one hit by a car, one had an asthma attack then a seizure that totalled his brain. It brought home the fragility of life and it terrified me.
I would panic about my husband going to work driving in case he died like Faye did in the new year. I panicked about every noise in the night in which I was certain someone was trying to steal or kill my children. I worried when out driving that trucks were going to not see me. I worried that if my husband died I have no family of my own in Australia and I’d be completely alone with my kids. I worried about going anywhere closed in in case something like an ISIL led attack on the Lindt cafe coffee shop took place. It all got too much for me.

Then I realised I’ve been through a lot in my life and it’d probably led to this point.

-I had a car accident with a truck that didn’t see me in 2008 which I miraculous emerged unscathed from
-I moved across the planet 5 yrs ago and that was huge.
-I was in a previously physically abusive marriage  before meeting my lovely husband and when I told my family they didnt believe me and thought I was just making up excuses to get out of my year long marriage
-My sister let me down and hadn’t spoken with me for a year as she felt my moving to Australia meant I was leaving her to look after our family in the UK.
-I narrowly escaped an IRA bomb in Ealing, West London in 2001. I mean I was standing talking with friends in front of the car with the huge bomb in it less than 2hrs before it went off.
-My son is a late talker and was going through checks for autism. They’ve so far just agreed his expressive language is just a little slower to emerge and he shows no markers for autism yet.

So there’s all my crazy.
And my studies got crazy. I felt entirely swamped. Until I started talking. I told all this to my best friend in Toronto and she was like “Yeah, anyone would be struggling right now!”

I’d love to say I’ve been eating and exercising perfectly but I havent. My eating has been 80% portion controlled and 20% anything. I’m an addict. Food is my drug. Exercising went from 4 times a week to once per week if I was lucky. But thankfully I’ve only re-gained 0.5kg from the 6.1kg I’d lost.
Onward and upward 2.0
I can’t say I feel completely over my anxiety but I feel like I’m driving it rather than its driving me. I’ve never realised just how important mental health is until I suddenly no longer possessed mine.

Thanks for all the comments. I’ve been reading all my subscribers blogs and its been nice at times to know that I’m not alone in my struggles 🙂

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The Resurfacing

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I’m still alive!
I’ll be back for a full post later today. I haven’t fallen massively from the wagon, I’ve been deep in maintainence of all areas of my life and this has had to be one plate that I allowed to drop 🙂 
I’ve missed you all and have been reading comments… will give a more in depth post later and respond to all you lovelies then 🙂

The First month round up

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New Weight
89.9kg   Decrease (6.1kg)

BMI
30           Obese (Decrease 2 points)

Overview
96kg       Starting Weight
89.9kg    Current Weight
7%           Body weight Loss
6.1kg      Total Loss so far
26.9kg    Total Loss to go
3.9kg      Loss until next goal

The front and side pics speak for themselves don’t they!!

The 5%

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It hit 90.3kg. Another kg off the target!

A loss of 5.7kg since 1st Jan 2015!!!
HUGE!! I wasn’t expecting my first month to be so productive!

I’ve also hit a couple of goals…
My first 5kg goal and my first 5% of my bodyweight (6% to be accurate).

I’m still going hard and fast with my assignment and with my uni work ramping up i will be doing monthly photos… so expect an update with photos and measurements compared with a month ago on Sunday 🙂

And i get my first gift to me….a pedicure… a well needed treat for these fat-weary feet!! 😉

The JFDI

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No I didn’t mis-spell Jedi!
I learned something today. JFDI.
Just. Fucking. Do. It.
Its a thing that when all has gone to hell you still get up and show up.
I’ve just had to apply it to exercise.

I’ve had a hell weekend and I’m only 60% done recovered with my assignment with 5 days remaining.
I feel down…. About being a crappy mum, a crappy student, a crappy wife & a crappy person. I feel like I’m torn a million ways and succeeding at none.
My husband says its because I pile a huge weight of pressure on myself always. I think I’m just struggling and, well,…. crappy.

I’m losing weight i think so at least thats one place in life im not crappy… but I’m just feeling like everything has piled on top of me and I have a severe case of the dark and twisties!!! 
Rant over.
Sorry. Mind spill.
Blurghhhhh
Normal When I’m sixty three positivity will continue shortly 😉

The First 5

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Just a tiny update…..
I sneaked a peak on the scales this morning and I’ve crossed my first 5kg loss mark…. well, 5.1kg total loss to be precise!!
I’d intended on meeting this deadline for 1st Feb so I’ve smashed it a week early! Wooooohooooooooo!!!

My next goal is to hit my first 10kg mark by Easter Monday 6th April. Whilst I’m pretty sure I’ll do this early, I’m leaving the deadlines as are for the moment to see where the next few weeks of loss goes!

What a super exciting way to start the weekend 🙂

Now onto killing 3500 words of my 4500 assignment by next week 😦

The 3rd weigh in

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I have weighed this week however I haven’t taken measurements and photos.. I completely forgot!

On a good side I’ve lost another 400g this week and I’ve most definitely lost around my waist and hips so I’m closer to a 16 than 18 now. YAY!! Not so yay are trousers that keep falling around my ankles as I walk around! Might need to buy something interim soon as I’m going to look like I’m wearing clown trousers!!!

In other news weight hasnt been all ive been losing. I’m going to be quite quiet between now and the 1st Feb with expection of the odd recipe or Weigh in next week. I have a huge assignment worth 50% of my term and my new laptop crashed last week doing a Windows 8 update leaving me high and dry by killing the assignment I had so far 😦
1000 Words down 3500 to go….  :-/

The Thinspiration

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I made these when I started on the 1st Jan 2015.

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One for the weight I have to lose, one for the weight I’ve lost.
Each popcorn kernel represents 100g. At each of my home weighing ceremonies (I honestly don’t have a ceremony- its me half naked and half awake, my kids doing things they shouldn’t and looking at me as I jump on the scales and measure parts of my body in the hope they have decreased in size) I enjoy putting kernels from the bad pot into the good pot after I’ve blogged my weekly achievements.

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I keep mine somewhere I walk past daily and put them in our study when I exercise. Having this visual cue really motivates me and more importantly reminds me two very important things;
That I’m not done
That I’ve achieved a lot in my first 20 days.

I hope something like this can help you too 🙂

The Fat-chos

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Fat-chos. When you get too fat for regular nachos.

Fat-chos
serves 1

2 wholemeal torillas
1tsp smoked paprika
pinch of salt
1 3-sec spray of oil
200g Refried beans
60g Pizza cheese (use low fat should you wish-but I find they fill low fat versions of things with salt)
50g sliced black olives
Handful of spinach
Hot sauce

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Cut two tortillas into triangles as shown below….

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Spray a 3 second spray oil over the tortilla triangles on a baking tray and dust with smoked paprika and cracked sea salt

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Bake for about 10mins at 200°c keeping a careful eye on them as they burn the second you look away. Always best to take them out looking slightly underdone as they harden more when you remove them from the oven.

Add your nachos to a heatproof bowl and add the refried beans to smear over the middle ones. Top with cheese & olives. You can also top with tomatoes, avocados & mushrooms but my fridge is bare!! Heat until cheese melts either in the oven or microwave.

Throw on spinach and hot sauce to serve.
I used the hottest sauce I could find as it ensured I drank 1.5l over lunch alone!
Enjoy your fat-cho’s knowing that you will soon be skinny enough to eat a small portion of real nachos once again!!!!